I Found Love…

Wow, I’m so excited about this new chapter of my life. I recently fell in love with someone and I wasn’t even looking for no one to even like, let alone love. But let me give you some back story on this love story.

During the last couple of years (the pandemic) I have experienced so many variations of emotions. From hate, angry to depression and everything imaginable in between. But love was never part of this universal emotional rollercoaster.

I’ve experienced lost on such an epic scale that at moments I thought I was losing my mind. I literally ran out off tears. Between feeling empathic for others in their individual valid dilemmas to not giving myself permission to grieve for lives loss close to me. I was an emotional mess, but without love in my life.

The last couple years have connected me with some of the most amazing people I could ever meet. And my life is forever changed.

But only with the last three weeks have I really took the time to allow love to find me. I recently took a trip a vacation of sorts that allow me to refresh my mind, body and spirit intentionally. Upon returning home I was able to center myself and that’s when I found love. Mind you I wasn’t looking. I was very content in my present state of social interaction.

We met at a very conventional place, in a mind space where I was the least aware of the up coming life changing event.

One moment I’m alone in my own head space and the next…I’m sharing a glass of emotionally revealing reflections. I was standing in my bathroom in front of my mirror performing nightly pre-bed facial maintenance. When I became aware of this guy that I failed to recognize for the past two years.

I loved this guy whom I was now face to face with. Not in a vain or self-serving, errongant perspective. But we connected on a spiritual and emotional level. Recognizing that each in his own way had navigated through the past 2-4 years in autopilot.

But now I was emotionally healthy enough to love me and even like me, without the validation of others. Now I could smile where before I would grinch at even the sight of myself. Still carry the weight of guilt and regrets for mistakes long forgotten by others, but yet remained the commentary of my reality.

But now I love me again. I like who I continue to evolve into without hesitation. The destination may still be unclear however the journey is much more exciting now….Loving some me!!

Hurting…without showing it.

As I walked the hallways of my school campus, I was faced with the expressions of fear, uncertainty and self-preservation on the faces of my fellow educators.

What’s next echoed through the hallways in an unspoken tone. How do we safe guard those whom have be entrusted to our hands and minds to influence, inspire and motivate, when that is exactly what we need ourselves?

What can I say with any conviction that will shift the mentality of complacency in a world where senseless has become the norm…

I’m hurting, but can’t afford to show it be others needs my strength right now.

Smh….

First Steps Please?!

As this country responses to the continued injustice of so many of its American citizens, primary Black American males, many questions have risen in my soul of existence. I find myself overwhelmed by a Tsunami of emotional thoughts, ideas and criticisms. However, within this same Tsunami is a wave of emotional debris which contains strategies and sound wisdom being over taken and sometimes lost under the weight of anger and the out-cry of a disenfranchised Africa-American community.

Therefore, I continue to carry questions that may have already been answered on so many virtual panels, town-halls, FB Lives or various other media platforms. However, it seems that many questions are submitted and lost in the endless stream of chat flows that accompany our virtual meetings. That being said, I woke up this morning with a burden on my heart to ask for help. I know many have asked themselves this same question, although I don’t want to be presumptuous in thinking that you can’t speak for yourselves, however, I want you to know that I speak with you.

Help in finding my space and using my voice not as an tone in the continuous ringing of reverberating rhetoric which sounds good but changes nothing. But being a difference in a difficult world. I want to make a change by carry my weight and not relying on others to do my heavy lifting. However, at the same time, not contributing to the problem, but finding solutions that may not be unconventional and not within the norm, which does not implement violence a as restitution  for non-compliance.

So what I’m asking is for …First Steps?! Where do I begin?? How do I get involved after I have voted? Where do I engage the knowledge to even vote intelligently? Where can I engage this systemic pandemic whose virus is racism, where immunity is not established because those that carry the virus refuse to acknowledge the full impact of its existence. How can I impact change beyond the comfort zone of a keyboard ninja of social media? I want to start, but need first steps!!

1. ??

2. ??

3. ??

My Voice is Necessary!

For years this is the one conversation I refused to have with myself. Racism is the topic that I never wanted to talk about because in doing so meant that I had to face the reality of an incident of racism which happened to me in the Spring of 1988. Though this incident continues to impact the lens through which I view mankind, I have only spoken openly about it on rare occasions.

I was a young ambitious US Army soldier stationed at Fort McClellan Army base located in Anniston Alabama. Recently moved to Alabama after completing my first duty station and overseas tour in South Korea, I was eager to advance my military career. As a person new to the area I was excited about the friendship and relationship possibilities which lie before me. While just recently purchasing my first car and learning how to drive a standard transmission all in the same momentum, I felt invincible.

One day after work, I decide to take a ride and venture off post to see the towns which surrounded the post (military base). Fort McClellan was located in close proximity of at lease 3 small cities, Anniston being the closest. Therefore my adventure would start in Anniston at a self-serve gas station/corner store. I had just got off work, therefore I was still in my duty fatigues. The well pressed olive green military fatigues adorned with my name, US Army designation, rank insignia and unit patch all displayed the personal pride I felt as a US citizen.

As I opened the door of the gas station, I greeted the gentlemen behind the counter. I was always taught, “It’s just nice to be nice”! So whenever I enter a place of business or someones home I showed the respect I felt about myself as a person, by showing respect to whom ever I came in contact with. So, now I’m in the store walking around looking for something to purchase as a snack for my adventure, when I noticed I was being watched.

As I continued to browse the store, I became unnerved by the constant vigilance of this individual’s perception. After a few moments I stopped, turned around and asked him if there was a problem and Why he was carrying a baseball bat while following me around in the store. His reply was that he was following me around just in case I wanted to steal something and the bat was in case there was trouble. After staring at him for a few moments in utter disbelief, I simply, without a word, left the store.

After getting into my car a leaving the store property, I drove back to base trying to rationalize what had just happened. Perhaps this man had been the victim of previous robberies and he wasn’t taking any chances. But wait… I’m a well groomed service member attempting to patronize this commercial establishment to help the local economy. My only misjudgment is thinking this white gentleman with a baseball bat could see a honest customer beyond the color of his skin.

The fact of the matter is that I tried to erase the impact of that day. But it became part off my existence. From that moment my trust level of authority figures of another race eroded. However, I was still able to comply with leadership, by respecting the position while despising the individual(s). And that’s not a healthy place to live from.

I remember driving up to the entrance gate of my military base where two white MPs (Military Police) were posted for duty, anticipating some sort of continuation of events. However, they were very disciplined and professional. They greeted me by rank, checked my ID and allowed me to pass with a “have a great evening”. As I drove through the gate with the guard shack dropping further and further back in my rear view mirror. I subconsciously placed the events of that night in the same context, isolated and in the past.

But in reality, that night is forever in the forefront of my existence. For at every time I hear of an African American male being harassed or murdered, I remember that day in order to empathize on a more personal level. No, I was not physically harmed or killed, but my self-worth as a perceived equal citizen was destroyed. Un-beknownced (country word) to me everything changed that evening, and I didn’t even realize it.

I have a personal perception and conviction concerning certain things that I don’t preach about but live in response to. One is the fact that I don’t identify myself as being black. I don’t make this statement, trying to be pretentious but rather looking at the truth of reality. This cultural awaking happen when I first became a grandfather. I was enjoying a moment with my granddaughter Malia and we were coloring with crayons. While reaching for the brown crayon I noticed it was laying beside a black crayon and the awaking happened.

I remember asking myself who said we are black and why do we continue to believe it when every morning we see a brown or a shade of brown complexion in the mirror. How can I as an educator, parent, grand-parent and leader teach others to be true to themselves and their instruction to others when I continue to live under the lie imposed on me by generational compliance. I am a Brown man of African decent. I’m not black or any shade thereof. Black and Brown are two very distinctly different colors. Black is truly beautiful and today Brown will be bold!

The travesties imposed on the African-American community is a continued example of the mentality by which any mistreatment will be verbalized but no substantial change will materialize.

I was asked a very thought provoking question, how I feel when a African-American male is targeted. My answer in that moment was so far from the truth. I replied… I simply internalize it. The fact of the matter is that I had shut down, not giving myself permission to feel anything. However, as I laid down later that night thinking about that conscious piercing question, I had to own my feeling. Admitting that silent is more destructive than rampant looting.

Yes, I have been impacted by racism on several occasions, but chose to stick my head in the proverbial sand lying to myself about not having a voice. When the truth is, the only voice with no power is the voice which chooses not to speak! From this moment forward I will join with the voices of African-American and Minority men who will no longer tolerate the blatant unjust behavior within our communities. My voice may be small, but it’s necessary!!

Neglectful Landlords

To look at this world from the lens of common reality would cause you to frame what you see in a seemingly neglectful state, like that of property in the hands of a neglectful landlord. After all…. “God is in control”!

We often say God is in control to relinquish our own responsibility to what is going on around us, when in fact the word of God says the opposite. In the Message Bible, Psalm 115:15-16

May you be blessed by God,
    by God, who made heaven and earth.
The heaven of heavens is for God,
    but he put us in charge of the earth.

Notice what it states here, the heavens and the earth were made by God, and he maintains charge (oversees the daily operations of) of the heavens…but it goes on to state that he (GOD) put (gave) us (mankind) in charge (overseers of daily operations) of the Earth. This further stated in Genesis 1: 26-31, mankind was to Prosper! Reproduce! Fill the Earth! Take charge (have dominion) of the earth. In other words, take control and maintain order on this blue and green ball of endless possibilities.

So with that being said, why do we continue to blame God or even expect God to fix what we were responsible to prevent. This doesn’t make common sense, but yet and still we continue to expect God to repair a system which was perfect in its initial conception. However, he has given us access to his divine intervention through prayer. Through prayer we invite heaven’s power and providence onto the earth. Through the prayer(s) of mankind God will intervene on behalf of the seeker to bring correction, healing, restoration, and even judgement.

However, it still doesn’t relinquish mankind of its responsibility to creation. Because we were given dominion over the earth, all intervention must start with mankind. Someone, must be willing to stand in the gap. Seeing the need and being willing to submit their will and way to the plan of God and reconcile their emotions concerning whatever the situation may be or whoever the outcome will affect. This is the landlord being a good and responsible steward of the property (earth) for which he was given.

The neglect of mankind can be seen everywhere you look, from the household to the church. We have dropped the ball, but that’s not the end of the story. Today, the true revelation of God’s word is being taught in such a way that personal responsibility to the mantle of dominion is once again being shouldered by the believer.

In this seemingly chaotic time, God is moving through those willing to upset the status-quo. Church as usual is quickly becoming a expectation of the past. On-line and e-Church service is a reality. How will we reach the masses yet to hear the name of Jesus and embrace his saving grace? By any means necessary. Thoughtful landlords do whatever is needed whenever it’s needed. Opportunity is the present of chaos. 2020 has given all of us a unique opportunity beyond the chaos, what will you do with it?

Neglectful Landlords?!

 

Loving Beyond What You Know.

Love… what is it and where does it come from? Is it the same for everybody and are there levels built into this emotional feeling. These are just some of the questions I ponder with this word LOVE. Yes, I know what the Bible expresses about love and our responsibility under its conviction. However, what I find myself wondering about is the unconventional feelings of love most don’t talk about.

Can we say that a person who lives an unconventional life or lifestyle has any less conviction of love, than say one loves within the confines of our understanding or our comfort zone.  Since we are not the original architects of this love thang, then what gives us the right to try and authenticate what love is. We love based on what we know or think we know.

Truth of the matter is that without true faith, it is impossible to love or comprehend the full concept of love beyond what we see or even feel. I’ve learned the danger in judging a person based what I feel, see or think I know. Only God really know what that person feels about him. This conversation I’m having with myself isn’t about sexuality, it’s about the quality of our love to each other as citizens on this huge ball called earth. I feel we diminish the impact or necessity for real love when we try to confine its meaning or impact to the realm of sexuality or gender preference. When in fact it’s much more than that. For God so loved the world… that means everybody, that he gave his only begotten Son.

God has no hang up about love, we do! In fact, it’s those very hang ups that causes a divide to the impact of God’s intended love to be shared, expressed or even felt. The Bible commands us to love our neighbor as ourselves. I think that might be the problem.Not the command itself, but rather the implementation of the commandment based on our individual revelation of ourselves.

In other words, if we don’t love ourselves or know how to love or even except ourselves, then we are incapable of loving someone else beyond what we know. We will always default back to what we know from personal experience, whether good or bad when there is a conflict of understanding. Therefore, our lens or vision of love outside of God’s revelation to us is flawed. When we look at a person, we may see them as a mirror reflecting our own short coming or inadequacies. But when God looks at all of us he sees his plan washed by the blood that his son shed as a payment of restoration. He loves us beyond what we see.

Love in its true essence has no prerequisite. We love because we are loved. We love beyond what we know!

After This….

In moments of distress, chaos or simple uncertainty, a question will arise. Sometimes among the tears and fears, often after the storm has seemingly has pass. Nevertheless…there is an after this. There is a time of harvest and reaping of the benefits of perseverance.

But the question is …..after this who will you be? This a time of reset, re-establishing of kingdom principles and intentional kingdom relationships. However, if we don’t take full advantage of what is placed before us, where will we be in relation to our destiny? Some of the greatest revelation and opportunities to step into our difference is in the midst of chaos.

So what is the purpose of chaos? It simply comes as a means to distract, delay and de-rail. Therefore when chaos ensues, our response can not be one of fear. For God has not given us (kingdom) the spirit (reaction or response) of fear, therefore we must press into the presence of God and follow the principles of Kingdom and not the reaction of chaos. This is our time to model the response of Kingdom Faith. What do we say to these things… if God be for us (and he is) who can stand (operate or scheme) against us?

Fear is the emotional response of doubt. A response of fear says what I see is what I must come into agreement with in order to navigate my particular situation. Fear comes without accountability for it’s out comes. Fear then becomes your ruler, in essence your God.

Faith and fear cannot occupy the same space (mentality), for the word tells us that no man can serve two masters, for he will love (serve) one and despise (hate the other. Therefore, during this time of reset who will you believe (serve)?

After this…..who will you be? What monument (Altar) of transition have you established during this time of reset? God is looking for a willing people who will submit to the revelation of peace, hope and victory, even when things seem to be at their worst.

After this…

My Creative Process…

I was having a conversation the other day with a couple of acquaintances regarding the creative process of writing. Our agreement within this exchange of ideas concluded your thoughts are your thoughts!

I enjoy writing in general, however writing my blog is a special creative space for me. It’s where I’ve given myself permission to have the type of conversations with myself that are non judgmental and not influenced by anything or anyone outside of my own insight, point-of-view and everyday experiences. It’s where I can be real about how I feel. The flip side however, is that I have intentionally opened the window to these conversations for others to hear without the intention or requirement to chime in.

My blog is a free-writing platform where what ever I’m thinking in that moment, space and time is free game for this blank canvas of writing art. In this space I don’t limit myself to what might makes sense or is literally or theologically correct. These are my thoughts in this particular space and time. So if you happen to be passing by and hear something that may challenge your way of thinking or upset you, I offer no apology. Just simply remove yourself from the window of my reality and continue with your life. Everything you read may not be meant for you to read, and that has to be OK!

I’ve entered into a space in my difference where apologies for who I am are no longer necessary. I’ve lived a life filled with both good and bad choices. I’ve had many laughs and even more tears, however I’m thankful for every moment. It’s all a part of my story, therefore I have given myself permission to write about them, with the same intensity in which they happened.

Often times I may be listening to a song and a moment of inspiration will hit me. Or I may be watching one of my favorite classic movies and be inspired to share a thought. Whatever the inspiration, it’s authentic to my life experience. I borrow no others life experiences, for I have not lived their life, therefore don’t carry the licences to expression their moments. I truly feel the ownership of a given moment lends to the authenticity of a written word. You should be able to literally feel the emotion(s) or see the moment(s) in a vivid picture being painted through the intentional use of words which carry the weight of that moment in time.

For me personally, I love to paint portraits with my words. I never want a reader to have to guess or interpret what I’m trying to say, but rather be ushered into that moment through the use of expressive phrasing at a level of transparency which provokes self evaluation of both the writer and reader. True writing comes from a deep place of authenticity. I’ve lived, therefore now I can create!

Join my journey of expression and hopefully find your own voice of expression, whatever that may be.

– JT.